what is in a name of a post. so many times before I write I try and find the name of the post and write from there. this does not always work. so today I thought I would try something a little different, I would write then come up with a clever title and maybe an image to go with it.
the last few days I have started to kick the habit of smoking. Sunday night was the last night with cigarette, now on Wednesday night I faulted and had 3. but I coughed and hacked every time and could not finish a whole one. This has lead to a few jitter problems over the last few days, but I know in the end I will be healthier for it.
next, as for my leg it has almost cease seeping and is about ready to start working out again. so these are the random thoughts for the day now for some real writing this afternoon.
ecko
This post has been some time in the making. I have had to gather my thoughts as to make myself clear. where this post comes from is from time looking at my social circles in life digitally and analog.
You may be asking your self “what does Ecko mean by this title?”
I tend to find that in my daily life when out in the real world I have a hard time talking to people. And this is more so with women than men. I do not always find it easy to start a conversation, or even hold much small talk. This leads to lack of what can sometimes be some really great conversation. And maybe even a lack of real life friends.
Here is the kicker thou on-line I can see the conversation and know I am allowed to join in. my opinion is my own and sometimes it matters. I have had opinions backfire on me and start flame wars. I have also had opinions taken well from people. And the best part of all I can always just sit and watch till I think I can add value to the conversation.
now here is what I’m wanting to do with this information. I am wanting to constantly push myself to grow and be a better person. I want to be a little more outgoing, I also want to question more things to learn about who or what I am talking about.
So have you ever just taken a look back on your life and said this is what I could stand to change?or if you want to just know more ask?
most days I feel apathetic, other days I feel like a crying mess. But in the end of all this I know I feel some sort of emotion, I feel something, I think people hide from their emotions by putting up emotional walls. And it is when we are all alone in solitude that we can break down and feel how bad we truly hurt.
I have hidden my emotions and feelings from people for a long time. I am guarded from people and relationships in the physical world. Yet this is odd in a sense of the fact I enjoy the physical touch of another person. I will explore this more in coming posts.
I digress and go back to the main point of this, and let you understand where this is coming from. This last week I have been in some pain from a boil coming up on my leg. Tuesday I decided to soak in the tub and draw it out. Side note the week before I was in a boat accident, this is for the next part. While I was soaking in the tub I started to wonder in my mind was this a boil or a blood clot. not having my computer near but a phone handy I made a call to someone with first hand experience. It did not help. I then called my mom she put it as did you look in to the symptoms bit. about that time I had made the decision to shower off and get on-line to see.
In my last few minutes before rising I had a conversation with another part of me from a different time. a time when I was more combative, egotistical, and just plain mean. this voice taunted me in my tears about a fear of death. it was so dark and cold in this area. Asking if “I still fear death”. In this raw emotional state that I realize it is not death I fear, as that’s what a man owes for his life and Sin. My wonder of a revelation, it is that knowing you are mortally wounded. wounded and knowing death may be near, but could still be some time.
What scared me was knowing that given some time left here. The thought of not loving again, or feeling the touch of another person. Made me question who and what I had become on the inside.
From this experience I have learned a new appreciation for Life and Love. These too will be further explored in a future posts.
So my question is this, In that deep dark place you don’t oft tread what is your greatest fear, and what did you learn from it?